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Wednesday, May 13, 2009

I've Got Dan Brown's Next Novel Idea!

Dear Mr. Brown:


You must be very excited about Angels and Demons opening this weekend - I have no idea what the movie's about, but it's generated a lot of buzz across the Internet, and even Bill Donahue has gotten in the director's face about it. The level of controversy isn't nearly as high as that other movie based on one of your book of lies and calumny other novels, so it's understandable that the box office take for A&D might be considerably lower, but hey - even M Night Shyamalan's Unbreakable wasn't as successful as The Sixth Sense. His track record as a director is almost as impressive as yours as an author - that's pretty decent company.

Anyway - the reason why I wrote you: I was surfing the net today, when I came across a post in a blog*, and it was so weird and incredulous and far-fetched and crazy, that the first thing I thought was, "Wow! This would be a perfect Dan Brown story!"

Apparently, there are some who believe that Sr. Lucy was replaced by an impersonator. This impersonator is the one who said that the 1984 Consecration of the World to the Sacred Heart of Mary performed by Pope John Paul II was accepted by Mary, even though there was no specific mention of Russia. She also was the one who declared that the unveiling of the 3rd Secret of Fatima in 2000 was correct, even though some lunatics doubters refute that. They claim that the real Sr. Lucy was sequestered from the public, unable to tell the world the real truth about Fatima, the Third Secret and the Consecration.

Now you may think - "eh, big deal" - but when you combine that conspiracy with the one purporting that Pope Paul VI was also replaced with an impostor, well, for criminy's sake, you've got the basis of a rip-roaring, globe-trotting, page-turning, barn-burning, load of horse hockey pucks story.

Think of the possibilities....for two millenia, prominent figures of Christendom have been supplanted by fakes, put in place by a secret cabal of powermad clerics determined to keep the real truth from being learned....I'll leave it to you to determine what the "real truth" is, because you're pretty talented at doing that kind of stuff. I'm confident you'll even be able to dredge up all sorts of "documentation" to make it official like.

Maybe the 12 apostles were replaced by members of the Illuminati. Perhaps the Crusades were actually led by members of elite special ops sent back in time by the Swiss Guard to protect ancient secrets. Or maybe it wasn't the real Joan of Arc burned at the stake - it was all an elaborate ruse so that she could become the first female Pope. Don't worry about supposed historical inaccuracies or anachronistic details - you haven't so far, so why start now? If anyone can pull off this story and fool a whole cattlecar of weak Christians, it's you, Dan. Dan the Man.

You can have Professor Langdon travel around the world with that super duper intelligent chick who asks all those probing questions, as they unravel clues, solve riddles and interpret mystical symbols. Of course, Vatican hitmen will be chasing them as they do this, along with customs officials and continuity experts. I suggest the enemies be old white guys - don't offend minorities or Muslims here, because you wouldn't want a fatwa issued against you, or slapped with discrimination charges. Just looking out for ya.

And then, once it's published and on Oprah's Reading List, you and Opie and Tom can reunite and adapt it to film. And then give interviews where you say there's no intention to offend Catholics; it's just a story, based on facts, so why the big fuss? Wouldn't that be special? Just like old times!

So there you go - the idea for your next New York Times bestseller. You could call it The Doppelganger Code, or Will The Real Pope Please Stand Up?

Just give me a heads up before you publish so I can let Bill Donahue know.

*that would be Abbey Roads - s/s to Terry!