"And I'm Fr John Corapi. Michael, this is very exciting. For years now I've been preaching on the spiritual battle that rages all around us, and tonight... yes, tonight the fans here and the viewers tuning in on EWTN Sports, are in for a real treat."
"You got that right, Fr C! Let's tell our viewers who our combatants are tonight."
"Representing the forces of darkness, those who profess to be Catholic but spread lies and deceit through their words and actions, who seek to drag the Gospel into the gutter rather than use the Gospel to raise men up out of the gutter and out of their sin..."
"Uh, Father C, this ain't a lecture now. Jus' introduce the guy, you know?"
"Oh, right. OK, representing Team Heresy is "The Rev'rend", Richard McBrien."
"Oh, he's one nasty dude, Fr C. If he wrestles anything like he writes, then his opponent will hafta be sharp. It's gonna be down and dirty in the ring tonight!"
"Not to mention his theology - denial of doctrine, appeal to false ecumenism, and prone to disobedience. I agree - he won't be fighting by the rules."
"Yeah, is this gonna be great or what?!? Tell our viewers a little bit about his opponent."
"Representing the Truth Squad, and battling "The Rev'rend" will be none other than "The Ox", St Thomas Aquinas, 13th century Dominican and Doctor of the Church."
"Whoa! A blast from the past! The dude looks tough - and check out that hair!"
"He was very tough, Michael. I had the chance to interview him before we went on the air, and asked him about the upcoming match."
Ox, talk to me about tonight's match. What are you expecting?"
Ox: "Though I wrestle in the ring of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for He art with me."
FC: "Care to talk about your strategy?"
Ox: "My 'Yes' shalt be 'Yes", my 'No' shalt be 'No', and my piledriver shalt be my piledriver; all else shalt be from the devil."
FC: "Many of our viewers are probably surprised to see a Doctor of the Church participating in this event. Explain to them how you can justify your participation."
Ox: "Objection 1. It would seem that it would always be sinful to wage violence. Because punishment is not inflicted except for sin. Now our Lord has admonished us not to perpetuate violence, according to Matthew 5:39: "But if anyone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also." Therefore, violence is unlawful.
"Objection 2. Further, whatever is contrary to a Divine precept is a sin. Violence is contrary to a Divine precept, for it is written in Romans 12:19: "Not revenging yourselves, dear brethren, but give peace unto wrath." Therefore, violence is always sinful.
On the contrary, Saint Nicholas, out of great zeal for the truth, struck the heretic Arias during the Council of Nicea. And while he was removed from the Council for that act, our Lord and blessed Mother both revealed to the hierarchs that he was in their approval. Also, in the Gospels, our Lord displayed great zeal for His Father's house when He overturned the merchants' tables, in an act of justifiable anger.
"I answer that, in order for violence to be just, two conditions must be met. First, the adversary must needs have it coming to him. And second, it is necessary that the belligerent should have rightful intention, so that they intend the advancement of good, or the avoidance of evil.
"Reply to Objection 1. It is fitting in this case, that my combatant practice turning his cheek, because his words and actions have brought upon him true justice.
"Reply to Objection 2. This is not a situation of vengeance, but of Divine comeuppance."
FC: "Thank you for your time, Ox, and God speed."
Ox: "I shall be the 10 plagues to this cretin's Egypt."
"When the dust settles, and the smoke of battle has cleared away, and time gives way to eternity, one is going to be a winner.....and the other, a looooooooser..."
"Yeah, we know that. What's your guess?"
"That would be a cowl, Michael, part of his traditional Dominican habit."
"Whatever - wait a minute?!? What's this?!? The Rev'rend has pulled out of his shorts a handful of small medals or somethin', and he's tossed them on the mat near the Ox's feet!"
"Why the - - - those are Miraculous Medals! I know the Rev'rend has little respect for the blessed Mother, but that's just despicable!"
"And I don't even want to know where he had them in his shorts. Look! The Ox is on his knees tryin' to pick up the medals, while the Rev'rend climbs the ropes and is now atop the turnbuckle. Looks like he's gonna deliver a flying block elbow into the Ox's back! WHOOAAA!!! LOOK AT THAT HANGTIME, AND HE GETS THE OX RIGHT BETWEEN THE BLADES!!!!"
"Ohh, that's going to leave a mark, Michael. The Rev'rend came straight down onto the Ox, and he's facedown on the mat."
"The Rev'rend quickly gets to his feet, and is springboardin' off the ropes, generatin' speed. Looks like he's plannin' a clothesline while the Ox staggers to his feet. Here it comes....WHOOAAA!!! THE OX CAUGHT THE REV'REND COMPLETELY BY SURPRISE, SMASHIN' HIM IN THE CHEST WITH WHAT LOOKS LIKE A HUGE BOOK!!! WHAT A MOVE!!!"
"Ha! The Ox had a copy of his Summa Theologica under his habit, and caught the Rev'rend completely off-guard!"
"I guess that means they're 'Summa wrestling' now, eh, Fr C?"
"The Rev'rend looks dazed and confused..."
"Not surprisingly. Heretics often look that way when confronted with the Truth."
"...while the Ox is preparing his next move. Or not. The Rev'rend is chargin' him, and WHOOOAAA!! A FLASHY MOVE BY THE BIG GUY! The Ox dropped down and executed a perfect legsweep, sendin' the Rev'rend into the turnbuckle! O-U-C-H Ouch!!"
"Great move by the Ox, sending the Rev'rend to his knees. He's probably not all that familiar with that position."
"The crowd is getting into this, Fr C. Looks like the folks in the papal box are gettin' into it - I sure hope that's incense smoke comin' from there! And a group of blue-haired ladies and elderly gentlemen are holdin' up signs that say 'McBrien McRocks!' and 'Time For A Call To Action'. Wait a sec....what's this? There's a skinny guy coming down the gangway, dressed in red....why, it's the Gnat!!"
"None other than Fr Thomas Reese, aka The Gnat! Looks like he's going to enter the ring and make this a two-on-one battle!"
"Our prediction of an unfair fight has come true, Fr C. Doesn't look good for the Ox! The Gnat has climbed through the ropes. He and the Rev'rend are chargin' the Ox, and THEY GIVE HIM A DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE, AND THE OX CRUMPLES TO THE MAT!!! OH, HE'S IN A LOT OF PAIN OUT THERE!!"
"That was a brutal attack, Michael, but let's not write off the Ox just yet. Look! He's getting to his feet!"
"The Gnat and the Rev'rend separate, approachin' the Ox from opposite sides. The Rev'rend rushes first....and WHOOAAA!! THE OX SURPRISES HIM AND GRABS HIM IN A HEADLOCK!!! LOOKS LIKE HE'S GONNA PILEDRIVE HIM...wait, wait, something's happenin' down there. Somethin' I've never seen before!!"
"Incredible, Michael! It's truly miraculous!!"
"It looks like a second Ox has appeared in the ring, directly behind the Gnat!"
"Bilocation!! What a fantastic strategy!"
"Bilo what? Check it out! The second Ox has put the Gnat in a headlock!! AND NOW BOTH OX'S ARE RUSHIN' FULL SPEED TOWARDS EACH OTHER, AND WHOOOAAAA!!! HE'S HEADBUTTED THE GNAT AND THE REV'REND TOGETHER, AND THEY'RE KNOCKED OUT COLD!!!! WHAT AN AWESOME FINISH!"
"I guess you can say they were Ox-communicated, eh, Fr C?"
"Yeah, I'm almost speechless too. Any final thoughts?"
"The outcome was never in doubt, Michael. The Ox, after all, is a member of the Church Triumphant. And dissent, while it may seem invigorating and exciting, will only leave you dead and lifeless in the end."
"I hear ya, Fr C. It's a dogma eat dogma world out there! This has been a presentation of EWTN Sports. I'm Michael Cole, along with Fr Corapi - good night everybody!"