I returned home late Sunday afternoon - no-trouble travel to and from Rochester, about a 5-1/2 hour drive through Ontario (the new US Passport Card arrived earlier in the week - thank you St Christopher!) - a day after celebrating the 60th wedding anniversary of my parents. The drive gave me the opportunity to reflect on the sacrament of Marriage and the meaning of permanence.
On June 11, 1949, Karl V. and Dorothea B. celebrated their wedding day, with simplicity and sacredness, forming the nucleus of the D family. They had no foreknowledge what would transpire throughout their marriage, only that they were completely committed to one another. Their marriage was not between two people, but it was comprised of three - husband, wife and Christ. How else can it be explained that here they were, with their children and their spouses, grand-children and close family friends, celebrating their 60th anniversary? By drawing daily upon the grace afforded them through the sacrament. By understanding that their relationship focused on the "we", not the "me". By realizing that God came first. By being open to life and doing the best they could for the family. By loving each other and each of us, and not being stingy about it. By accepting the crosses and sacrifices asked of them, and not rejecting them, or running from them.
It is hard to imagine doing something for 60 consecutive years - working for the same employer; living in the same home; serving a prison sentence (that is NOT a marriage metaphor, honest!); remaining in a vocation. Being married to the same person. Perhaps the push and pull of society creates the impression that staying with the same person is a rare and unique occurrence. But for most of recorded time, that was the norm, the common expectation. I am not surprised that my parents have remained married all these years...while some might say, "oh, they just got used to each other after a while"; or "well, with that many kids, they couldn't afford a divorce even if they wanted to!" (they firmly believed in the mantra 'murder before divorce', jokingly); or "well, she was trapped because she was a stay-at-home mom and wouldn't be able to support herself". My reply to such assertions - "No.Never.Not." If you were to meet my parents, you would instantly recognize why they have remained married for 60 years - because they reflect Christ to each other, and subsequently reflect Him to everyone else they come in contact with.
Their legacy bears this out. Of their ten children (eight surviving), nine got married. My oldest sister has been married for 37 years, while my younger brother has been married for more than 10. Mrs LarryD and I will celebrate 19 years this August. What I'm saying is, we witnessed the template of a successful marriage. We grew up amidst a great example, without even realizing it, until we all got married. It was at that point, I believe, that we came to appreciate our parents' marriage. And while not all of us have done things in the exact same way, because of our unique personalities, combined with the histories and personalities of our spouses, I believe that because we share the same model, we have a much greater chance of remaining married until natural death. But beneath the mere statistical probability lies the foundation, a foundation which is Christ. He shall not disappoint, and He shall not abandon His children when they call upon Him for help. When one spouse or the other fails in their responsibility or duty, it is Christ who bridges the divide, through his grace and mercy and forgiveness. He has never abandoned us in our need - so who are we to abandon our spouse in theirs? That is something my parents never did, no matter what the sacrifice. And now, as they've aged and grown more frail, their commitment to each other and to Christ has deepened.
Sure, they have their quirks and idiosyncrasies, and they've gotten on each others nerves - I mean, gee whiz, they are human after all! But they never let the sun set on their anger, and they prayed daily. They knew who was in charge, and following His will was the standard against which they measured their actions. That is what got them to this point - not luck, not familiarity, not living life in quiet desperation. They've lived through the Cold War, the Civil Rights, the Sexual Revolution, the fallout from Vatican II - every social crisis in the past 60 years. They've buried parents, siblings and children (including two grandchildren), cared for an ailing child during the so-called "golden retirement" years, suffered by-pass surgeries and hip replacements. Just like countless other people throughout time. But unlike countless other people, they didn't complain, or cry "Unfair!!", or quit. Instead, they considered each day as the first day, and put all their trust in God.
They have run the race. While others in the world have swallowed the "do whatever makes you happy" lie, my parents have continued on believing and living "do what makes the other happy".
So, while driving home across southern Ontario, I realized how much I've learned from my folks, even though they were not consciously teaching. I've come to realize that if I were twice the husband that I am now, I'd still be half the husband my father was and is. I've come to realize that sacrifices I make today, done out of total and complete love, will prepare me to gracefully make the harder sacrifices that are still to come. I've come to realize that being right is never ever as important as doing right.
And I've come to realize that whether the anniversary number is 10, 19, 37 or 60, they're all reached one day at a time. And every day is the first day, repeated.
Instant "Acts"ess
