(Well, of course I do! Who else would??)
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*PREGAME*
Keith Jackson: "Good afternoon, and welcome to EWTN Stadium in sunny Alabama, where we're mere moments away from the kickoff of the Supernatural Bowl. I'm Keith Jackson, and alongside me in the booth is fan favorite Fr John Corapi."
Fr Corapi: "Hello, Keith. It is certainly good to be here with you, and with our viewers."
Keith Jackson: "The Catholic faith and football. The time-honored ritual of full-contact religious debate. It has a rich and storied tradition. The Four Horsemen of Notre Dame. Touchdown Jesus. The Immaculate Reception. And today, the Supernatural Bowl. Two teams, a clash of titans, vying for the ultimate victory: The New Jerusalem Saints versus the Los Arias Mules. Father, it's no secret who you're rooting for - it's as obvious as a rooster song at daybreak on a Georgian pecan farm. Talk a little about the Saints."
Corapi: "Keith, the Saints are, for lack of a better word, perfect. Or perhaps I should say, perfected. Their offense is led at quarterback by St Peter. Inspired play-calling, calm in the pocket, accurate throws. He is the quintessential leader. The Saints' offensive line is large and quick, anchored by St Thomas Aquinas at center and GK Chesterton at right tackle. Plenty of other offensive weapons as well - Joseph of Cupertino and Alphosus Ligouri are stellar wideouts, and at running back is St Augustine. On the other side of the ball, they run a tenacious 3-4 defense, with the inside linebackers, brothers James and John Zebedee, the "Sons of Thunder", providing many of the big plays. Coach St Christopher believes on being prepared to make a defense, and he does just that with multiple blitz packages and various formations designed to confuse the opposing offense."
Jackson: "And what about the Mules?"
Corapi: "The Mules are not led by anyone because they don't acknowledge authority. They have a committee of coaches, they employ a rotational system of eight quarterbacks, and always want to play by their own set of rules."
Jackson: "The umpire crew will have their hands full today. Well, team captains are approaching midfield....actually, it's the entire Mules team coming out, and the Saints captains - Sts Peter, James and John. The head referee for today's championship game is Dr. Scott Hahn. Let's go down to the field for the Official Coin Toss."
Hahn: "Gentlemen...and ladies..."
Jackson (whispering): "Did he say 'ladies'?"
Corapi: "It's the mules, Keith."
Jackson: "Whoa, Nellie!"
Hahn: "Here is the official coin of the Supernatural Bowl. On this side, the image of a chalice, is 'heads'. And on this side, the image of a paten, is 'tails'. And what's interesting about this symbolism, is that in ancient Hebrew traditions, a person in possession of the cup during sacrificial meals signified he who was 'the head', which points to Christ as revealed in the New Testament. Meanwhile, the paten, when translated from the Greek, by tracing back the etymology..."
St Peter: "Will you just get on with the coin toss?"
Mules team member: "We object to the use of 'heads' and 'tails'. It sounds too hierarchical!"
Another Mules: "Yeah, and misogynistic too! Use 'fronts' and 'backs' instead!"
Jackson: "Sounds like things are quickly getting out of control down there, Father. I've seen calmer proceedings at a slaughterhouse."
Corapi: "Just wait until the game actually starts."
Hahn: "Fine, fine. We'll go 'fronts' and 'backs'. Saints, you're the Away team, so you call."
[Flips coin]
St Peter: "Backs!"
[Coin lands. Everyone crowds around to see.]
Hahn: "Crap, it's 'fronts'. Mules pick - kick or receive?"
Mules team member: "We'll have to take a vote!"
*2nd QUARTER*
Jackson: "Less than three minutes to go before halftime, Saints have the ball on the Mules' 18 yard line, up 28-6. Third and seven."
Corapi: "Augustine has been shredding the Mules' defense all half. Expect St Peter to keep it on the ground."
Jackson: "Yes, it's been all Saints thus far. The Mules points came on a trick play when several offensive players asked for the Sacrament of Confession, and while St James and St John were distracted, their running back snuck into the end zone."
Corapi: "Typical tactic, Keith. And of course, they failed on the 2-point conversion. If there's one thing dissidents don't do well, it's conversion."
Jackson: "Here we go - Saints coming to the line of scrimmage, St Peter under center. Calls the play....hand off to Augustine...big hole off right tackle...dekes the linebacker! To the ten.....the five....jukes the safety for the touchdown! Saints score again!"
Corapi: "Just a reminder here for our viewers - the Supernatural Halftime Show is coming up, featuring the LCWR Liturgical Dancers with their Tribute to David Haas."
Jackson: "Here's the extra point....it's up and it's good. Saints 35, Mules 6, coming up on the two minute warning. And to think there's still a second half to go."
*Start of 3rd Quarter*
Jackson: "Well, Father, your thoughts?"
Corapi: "There are no words to describe the horror we have been subjected to."
Jackson: "It has been ugly to watch, that is for certain. Saints 35, Mules 6. Very one-sided."
Corapi: "I was referring to the half-time show!"
Jackson: "Let's go down to the field for a sideline report from Danny Abramowicz. Danny?"
Danny: "Keith, I caught up to St Augustine as the teams came back on to the field. He had a great first half, 153 yards on 18 carries, crossing the goal 3 times for touchdowns. I asked him about his third touchdown, the one near the end of the first half. He told me that his feet are restless til they rest in the end zone. He also mentioned he's enjoying the game a lot, reminding him of when he battled Pelagians and Manicheans. Running over heretics and dissenters, he said, in a football game is providing a great deal of satisfaction. Keith?"
Jackson: "Father, what do the Mules have to do to get back in the game?"
Corapi: "They don't have a prayer, Keith. They're failing in every aspect of the game - offense, defense, special teams. Too many penalties. Lack of leadership. Their game plan has as many holes as their theology. The only thing they're doing well is complaining to the officials. The Saints could pack up and go home right now, and the Mules would still end up losing."
Jackson: "You knew this wasn't going to be any ordinary game when the Mules threw out a challenge flag on the Saints' first offensive play."
Corapi: "It was while the Saints were still in the huddle! They accused the Saints of being secretive and not participating in a spirit of collegiality. It's gone downhill from there."
*Middle of the 3rd Quarter*
Jackson: "Saints are lined up at their 47, first and ten after the Mules' ninth punt of the game. St Peter brings the team out of the huddle, Augustine in the backfield, Joseph of Cupertino wide left, Alphonsus of Liguori lined up in the slot. Still 35-6."
Corapi: "Mules are expecting a pass - they have the dime package out there."
Jackson: "St Peter is under center, calls the play..."
St Peter: "John---3:16!---3:16! hut.....hutHIKE!"
Jackson: "St Peter drops back in the pocket, looking left....he has Joseph on a deep post....St Peter lets it go....into triple coverage! WHOOOOAAAA NELLLIIIEEEE!!"
Corapi: "What a catch by Joseph of Cupertino!"
Jackson: "I'll say! He certainly elevated above the defenders to catch that high pass! In fact, he's STILL elevated!"
Corapi: "He's levitating! Ten feet above the playing field!"
Jackson: "He caught it at the fifteen, and is floating....ten...five...touchdown Saints! Now that's an Immaculate Reception! He's back on his feet, being mobbed by his teammates!"
Corapi: "Expect the Mules to challenge the play, Keith. They deny miracles, but I don't think there's anything in the rulebook that prohibits levitation."
*Late in the 4th Quarter*
Jackson: "Mules have the ball on their own 27. Fourth and 41. 1:09 left in the game, and they're down 42-6. It looks as if the Mules are going to go for it rather than punt. Do you think they'll throw a Hail Mary here?"
Corapi: "Unlikely. That's not a play in their handbook."
Jackson: "Father, it seems that the Saints sat back in the second half and resisted running up the score."
Corapi: "Well, that makes sense, Keith. It's no surprise that the Saints are showing compassion, and mercy, and charity. It's in their nature. And it ought to surprise no one, that as the dust settles, and as the smoke of battle clears away, the Saints are standing victorious. Truth will always win in the end."
Keith Jackson: "Good afternoon, and welcome to EWTN Stadium in sunny Alabama, where we're mere moments away from the kickoff of the Supernatural Bowl. I'm Keith Jackson, and alongside me in the booth is fan favorite Fr John Corapi."
Fr Corapi: "Hello, Keith. It is certainly good to be here with you, and with our viewers."
Keith Jackson: "The Catholic faith and football. The time-honored ritual of full-contact religious debate. It has a rich and storied tradition. The Four Horsemen of Notre Dame. Touchdown Jesus. The Immaculate Reception. And today, the Supernatural Bowl. Two teams, a clash of titans, vying for the ultimate victory: The New Jerusalem Saints versus the Los Arias Mules. Father, it's no secret who you're rooting for - it's as obvious as a rooster song at daybreak on a Georgian pecan farm. Talk a little about the Saints."
Corapi: "Keith, the Saints are, for lack of a better word, perfect. Or perhaps I should say, perfected. Their offense is led at quarterback by St Peter. Inspired play-calling, calm in the pocket, accurate throws. He is the quintessential leader. The Saints' offensive line is large and quick, anchored by St Thomas Aquinas at center and GK Chesterton at right tackle. Plenty of other offensive weapons as well - Joseph of Cupertino and Alphosus Ligouri are stellar wideouts, and at running back is St Augustine. On the other side of the ball, they run a tenacious 3-4 defense, with the inside linebackers, brothers James and John Zebedee, the "Sons of Thunder", providing many of the big plays. Coach St Christopher believes on being prepared to make a defense, and he does just that with multiple blitz packages and various formations designed to confuse the opposing offense."
Jackson: "And what about the Mules?"
Corapi: "The Mules are not led by anyone because they don't acknowledge authority. They have a committee of coaches, they employ a rotational system of eight quarterbacks, and always want to play by their own set of rules."
Jackson: "The umpire crew will have their hands full today. Well, team captains are approaching midfield....actually, it's the entire Mules team coming out, and the Saints captains - Sts Peter, James and John. The head referee for today's championship game is Dr. Scott Hahn. Let's go down to the field for the Official Coin Toss."
Hahn: "Gentlemen...and ladies..."
Jackson (whispering): "Did he say 'ladies'?"
Corapi: "It's the mules, Keith."
Jackson: "Whoa, Nellie!"
Hahn: "Here is the official coin of the Supernatural Bowl. On this side, the image of a chalice, is 'heads'. And on this side, the image of a paten, is 'tails'. And what's interesting about this symbolism, is that in ancient Hebrew traditions, a person in possession of the cup during sacrificial meals signified he who was 'the head', which points to Christ as revealed in the New Testament. Meanwhile, the paten, when translated from the Greek, by tracing back the etymology..."
St Peter: "Will you just get on with the coin toss?"
Mules team member: "We object to the use of 'heads' and 'tails'. It sounds too hierarchical!"
Another Mules: "Yeah, and misogynistic too! Use 'fronts' and 'backs' instead!"
Jackson: "Sounds like things are quickly getting out of control down there, Father. I've seen calmer proceedings at a slaughterhouse."
Corapi: "Just wait until the game actually starts."
Hahn: "Fine, fine. We'll go 'fronts' and 'backs'. Saints, you're the Away team, so you call."
[Flips coin]
St Peter: "Backs!"
[Coin lands. Everyone crowds around to see.]
Hahn: "Crap, it's 'fronts'. Mules pick - kick or receive?"
Mules team member: "We'll have to take a vote!"
*2nd QUARTER*
Jackson: "Less than three minutes to go before halftime, Saints have the ball on the Mules' 18 yard line, up 28-6. Third and seven."
Corapi: "Augustine has been shredding the Mules' defense all half. Expect St Peter to keep it on the ground."
Jackson: "Yes, it's been all Saints thus far. The Mules points came on a trick play when several offensive players asked for the Sacrament of Confession, and while St James and St John were distracted, their running back snuck into the end zone."
Corapi: "Typical tactic, Keith. And of course, they failed on the 2-point conversion. If there's one thing dissidents don't do well, it's conversion."
Jackson: "Here we go - Saints coming to the line of scrimmage, St Peter under center. Calls the play....hand off to Augustine...big hole off right tackle...dekes the linebacker! To the ten.....the five....jukes the safety for the touchdown! Saints score again!"
Corapi: "Just a reminder here for our viewers - the Supernatural Halftime Show is coming up, featuring the LCWR Liturgical Dancers with their Tribute to David Haas."
Jackson: "Here's the extra point....it's up and it's good. Saints 35, Mules 6, coming up on the two minute warning. And to think there's still a second half to go."
*Start of 3rd Quarter*
Jackson: "Well, Father, your thoughts?"
Corapi: "There are no words to describe the horror we have been subjected to."
Jackson: "It has been ugly to watch, that is for certain. Saints 35, Mules 6. Very one-sided."
Corapi: "I was referring to the half-time show!"
Jackson: "Let's go down to the field for a sideline report from Danny Abramowicz. Danny?"
Danny: "Keith, I caught up to St Augustine as the teams came back on to the field. He had a great first half, 153 yards on 18 carries, crossing the goal 3 times for touchdowns. I asked him about his third touchdown, the one near the end of the first half. He told me that his feet are restless til they rest in the end zone. He also mentioned he's enjoying the game a lot, reminding him of when he battled Pelagians and Manicheans. Running over heretics and dissenters, he said, in a football game is providing a great deal of satisfaction. Keith?"
Jackson: "Father, what do the Mules have to do to get back in the game?"
Corapi: "They don't have a prayer, Keith. They're failing in every aspect of the game - offense, defense, special teams. Too many penalties. Lack of leadership. Their game plan has as many holes as their theology. The only thing they're doing well is complaining to the officials. The Saints could pack up and go home right now, and the Mules would still end up losing."
Jackson: "You knew this wasn't going to be any ordinary game when the Mules threw out a challenge flag on the Saints' first offensive play."
Corapi: "It was while the Saints were still in the huddle! They accused the Saints of being secretive and not participating in a spirit of collegiality. It's gone downhill from there."
*Middle of the 3rd Quarter*
Jackson: "Saints are lined up at their 47, first and ten after the Mules' ninth punt of the game. St Peter brings the team out of the huddle, Augustine in the backfield, Joseph of Cupertino wide left, Alphonsus of Liguori lined up in the slot. Still 35-6."
Corapi: "Mules are expecting a pass - they have the dime package out there."
Jackson: "St Peter is under center, calls the play..."
St Peter: "John---3:16!---3:16! hut.....hutHIKE!"
Jackson: "St Peter drops back in the pocket, looking left....he has Joseph on a deep post....St Peter lets it go....into triple coverage! WHOOOOAAAA NELLLIIIEEEE!!"
Corapi: "What a catch by Joseph of Cupertino!"
Jackson: "I'll say! He certainly elevated above the defenders to catch that high pass! In fact, he's STILL elevated!"
Corapi: "He's levitating! Ten feet above the playing field!"
Jackson: "He caught it at the fifteen, and is floating....ten...five...touchdown Saints! Now that's an Immaculate Reception! He's back on his feet, being mobbed by his teammates!"
Corapi: "Expect the Mules to challenge the play, Keith. They deny miracles, but I don't think there's anything in the rulebook that prohibits levitation."
*Late in the 4th Quarter*
Jackson: "Mules have the ball on their own 27. Fourth and 41. 1:09 left in the game, and they're down 42-6. It looks as if the Mules are going to go for it rather than punt. Do you think they'll throw a Hail Mary here?"
Corapi: "Unlikely. That's not a play in their handbook."
Jackson: "Father, it seems that the Saints sat back in the second half and resisted running up the score."
Corapi: "Well, that makes sense, Keith. It's no surprise that the Saints are showing compassion, and mercy, and charity. It's in their nature. And it ought to surprise no one, that as the dust settles, and as the smoke of battle clears away, the Saints are standing victorious. Truth will always win in the end."
