(AoftheAP) Despite the country's weariness and anger with multiple industries being bailed out by the Federal government, and the political ramifications for incumbents in the upcoming elections, the Obama administration is requesting that yet another American institution receive a bailout:
Women's religious congregations and orders.
Pressured by the Vatican's Apostolic Visitation, and suffering from the triple threat of aging membership, declining enrollment and dwindling funds, representatives from the Leadership Conference of Women Religious reportedly have sat down with members of the administration, including high-level staffers of the Office of Faith-Based & Community Initiatives. While details of the alleged meeting have not yet been released, sources close to the OFBCI and LCWR have leaked some information to AoftheA, on the condition of maintaining anonymity.
"It's the least we can do," said a staff member of the OFBCI. "They were instrumental and supportive in the passage of the Health Care bill. I want to be perfectly clear on one point: Any support they might receive from this administration cannot be construed as quid pro quo. Rather, we recognize the stress and hardship many in the LCWR are experiencing, and since they've done so much for this country, they deserve the nation's support. Furthermore, this administration has no desire whatsoever in running or owning any congregation or order."
"This administration shares the same social justice values we do," commented the LCWR source. "Any funding we might receive would only demonstrate the president's commitment to helping the least among us. It ought not be perceived as an endorsement of Christian ideals, but instead an endorsement of human ideals."
Neither side would admit to the dollar amount being discussed; however it is believed that the figure could top $5 billion. It is speculated that much of that money would be used to fund strained retirement accounts, to install "green" technology at LCWR properties, and to purchase rather tasteless pantsuits.
Naturally, conservative Catholic organizations are displeased with this development, while the more progressive groups are excited.
"This is a blatant attempt to secure votes amongst sympathetic liberal progressives within the Catholic Church, as well as payback for their vociferous support of the health care legislation," stated Del Bonnevue of the League of Catholics. "These orders and congregations have no business accepting funds from the federal government - I say let them all die out on their own."
The editorial staff at the National Catholic Reporter disagreed. In their most recent issue, they wrote: "This potential development shows the Vatican and those mean-spirited US bishops that these plucky nuns are not willing to go quietly into the night. The boys better bring cups and helmets - these gals are ready to play hardball."
Surprisingly, groups that advocate for separation of church and state are not fazed at all by the possible bailout. Millie Pedullah of Theocracy Never! said her organization is not planning any protest. "These congregations haven't been Catholic for years, much less Christian. We have no issue with pantheistic, pagan groups receiving federal funds. To us, they're as secular as the Sierra Club." Similar groups shared the same sentiment as Pedullah.
Bonnevue concurred. "If you compare the beliefs of these congregations and orders to Church teaching, you soon notice there's little in common. But I'm objecting to the misuse of tax payer money in propping up dying institutions. These groups aren't too big to fail. It's unclear to me how any amount of funds will increase their membership, or help them survive the Apostolic Visitation."
The anonymous OFBCI source discounted the tax payer money argument. "No one's taxes will be raised to pay for this bailout. We're just going to print money, and not demand that any of it be paid back. Besides, this is good for America and the American economy."
In addition, the Obama administration is intent on providing more than just funds. "We're not content in merely offering financial support," the OFBCI source continued. "We're also considering expanding CityYear and Americorps objectives, providing these orders and congregations fresh blood, improving their membership enrollments. Entirely voluntary, of course, should anyone want a high school diploma. Regardless of faith or gender. We share the LCWR's vision of a more inclusive society."
AoftheA has also learned that the Obama administration will apply pressure to the Vatican, to suspend their Apostolic Visitation. The OFBCI is assembling a team, comprised of congressional members, LCWR representatives, two Native American shamans and a gay palm reader from Key West. The team plans to travel to Rome in early June and meet with the Vatican Congregation for Institutes of Consecrated Life and Societies of Apostolic Life. The team, reportedly to be led by Nancy Pelosi and Doug Kmiec, will have their work cut out for them. Cardinal Rode, head of the Congregation, was unavailable for comment, but a Vatican spokesman, speaking on his behalf, said: "The cardinal looks forward to the visit. He hasn't kicked heretic ass in quite some time."
Any funding must pass both houses of Congress. It is believed that this bailout will be included as a rider on the upcoming Armed Forces funding bill, thus making it more difficult for any opponents to vote down the legislation. Should this happen, will it lead to further bailouts in years to come?
"Trust me," the OFBCI source told AoftheA, "we won't be making a habit out of this."
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