There sure is a lot of hullabaloo out there about Apple's new iPad and iPhone 4. Apparently they're the bee's knees on all things technofantastical-like. I don't own either product, and I won't anytime soon - although my birthday is coming up. Even still, I highly doubt stuff that extravagant is on the list, because when I told Mrs LarryD I had dropped off my golf clubs at the shop to be regripped, all she said was "Happy Birthday!"
Anyway.
I'm thinking of developing some apps for these new products, catered just for Catholycs. I know what you're thinking, and you're right: I'd be marketing products for a declining demographic - not the wisest of business plans. Fair enough. Still, there's what, like 163 billion iPhones and about half as many iPads or so in the world? Heck, declining demographics or not, there's bound to be a few Catholycs using the things.
So here are my ten ideas:
1) The Chit Chat. This app provides the user a daily message from Sr. Joan Chittister. Just click on the app, and a pre-loaded inspirational quote appears on the screen. Sayings like "A self-creating universe becomes co-creator with the humble God who shares power and waits for the best from us and provides for what we need to make it happen." Or maybe this gem: "In an evolving world, then, God becomes “becoming.” God is the one who stands by as we grow from one self to another, from one level of insight to another, from one age and awareness to another." The sayings may be pure gobbledy-gook, but who cares? They're from Jooooaaaaann.
2) Womyn's World. This app brings up the closest Womynpreest-led pagan ritual at an undisclosed non-Catholic location, using specially developed GPS - Gyntile Positioning System. It's like Masstimes.com, only without the Mass. Very useful during vacation trips. A secondary function informs the user of the next scheduled Womynpreest Fauxrdination.
3) Da Bomb. Curious as to where all the missile silos are located? This app pinpoints the closest military installation to cut down on time organizing a protest!
4) A-maze-ing! This app has two functions. One gives the sites of local labyrinths. The second function pulls up a "virtual" labyrinth for the user to walk - works best when standing in the middle of an empty field. But if the user wants to do it near a busy highway, I won't stand in their way...
5) Pantsuits R Us. Need to know which stores in town have the best deals on polyester pantsuits? This app alerts the user to sales and markdowns - perfect for the CRONES!
6) The B-List. The perfect app when in the bookstore or library - tells the user if a particular spiritual or theological book is on the Vatican's Banned Books list, or if the author is an ex-communicated married ex-priest. Links to Amazon.com to facilitate ordering if the user prefers on-line shopping!
7) H&H Hits and Jesuit Jingles. These apps bring up every song ever written by Marty Haugen and David Haas, and every hymn published by the St Louis Jesuits. Special 'Karaoke' feature allows Music Directors to broadcast hymns during Mass - great for communities with no talented musicians!
8) Sin-opsis. This app allows the user to determine whether or not they need the sacrament of confession. By selecting from a list of probable sinful acts, a complex algorithm program calculates their overall degree of sinfulness. For instance - selecting "remarried without first obtaining an annulment"; "contracepting" and "occasionally attends Mass" generates a 0% Sin-opsis. However, if the user also drives a Tahoe, the Sin-opsis rises to 34.1%. If the user also selects "reads Catholic blogs like AoftheA"...92.5% Sin-opsis. Ouch!
9) Toler-apps. Want to find the least offensive, most PC thing to say in any given situation? This app provides one or more compassionate, thoughtful phrases - say a friend complains her daughter is living with her boyfriend out of wedlock. "Toler-apps" suggests saying "Think of all the money they're saving!" If the friend's daughter is living with her lesbian girlfriend, "Toler-apps" suggests "How interesting, not that there's anything wrong with that." This app is also useful for the parish pastor who wants to deliver homilies that don't hurt anyone's feelings.
10) Eco-licious. This app finds the user sources for organic, free-trade and/or locally-grown vegetarian low-fat products, sorted by carbon footprint, and the location of the neighbor's gardens who are growing them so that the user can trespass in the middle of the night to steal them.
All I need to do now is learn how to code 'em.
Instant "Acts"ess
