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Friday, December 3, 2010

Modern Fables #4: Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer

(In the spirit of the season, AoftheA presents scenes from the updated version of the children's Christmas television classic.)

One day at the North Pole...

SCENE: Donner and his wife are at the North Pole Women's Wellness Center, awaiting results from the latest tests on her unborn child.

DR. DEER: I have the results from the latest tests on your unborn child.
DONNER: And?
DR. DEER: It appears your child will have a serious birth defect.
DONNER: A defect? You mean, he'll be handicapped?
DR. DEER: Yes. I'm afraid the other reindeer will laugh and call him names, and won't let your poor child play in any reindeer games. Therefore, I think you ought to have an abortion.
MRS. DONNER: What?!? Never! We're pro-life!!
DR. DEER: You are? Well then, get out of here, you crazies!!

SCENE: Santa Claus comes to visit Donner's family after the birth of Rudolph.

SANTA: Ho ho ho! Congratulations, Donner! Thought I'd come by and...Holy Hollyhocks! His nose! It's...it's...
DONNER: Yes, Santa, I know. It glows.
SANTA: Do you realize what this means?
DONNER: I'm afraid so, sir. I'm very sorry, because it will cause problems and inconven -
SANTA: Problems? Who said anything about problems? When he's old enough to work, I'll be eligible for additional government funding because I'll have a handicapped reindeer on the payroll. Ho ho ho! Best news I've had all day!

SCENE: Rudolph is playing with the other reindeer. His nose is encased in dirt because of low self-esteem issues. His voice is nasally.

FIREBALL: C'mon, Rudolph, let's wrestle!
RUDOLPH: You're on, Fireball! Loober ib a rotten elp!
FIREBALL: Ha ha! Take that!
RUDOLPH: Beware my hoobes of fury! Ha ha!
FIREBALL: I am so gonna....whoa!! Something just fell off your nose! It's...it's glowing!! Hey guys!! Come here and look at Rudolph's nose!
RUDOLPH: It's no big deal, man. C'mon, let's keep fight-
OTHER REINDEER: Look! It's a clowndeer!
FIREBALL: Hahaha! It's Rudolph, the compact fluorescent lightbulb deer!
ALL REINDEER: CFL! CFL! CFL!
BLITZEN: All right, boys, all right! What's all the commo- Holy Frozen Northern Oysters! What is wrong with your nose, boy?
RUDOLPH: It glows.
BLITZEN: I see that. Listen, boys - we have a "No Bullying" policy here at the North Pole. I want all of you to report to sensitivity training this very instant. You too, Fireball. Get a move on!
(Rudolph slips away unseen)

SCENE: The toy workshop. One little elf, wearing a purple shirt, sits at his table, all alone, and a larger elf enters.

UNION ELF: Hermie! What are you doing! It's break time!
HERMIE: I know, sir. But I'm busy working on this toy.
UNION ELF: Working?!? On break? Listen, boy, I busted my hump getting the SEIU up here to negotiate a good union contract with Santa on your behalf! I didn't do it so you could do extra work!
HERMIE: But it's for the children!
UNION ELF: I don't care about the children! Contract says we get a twenty minute break every two hours, and by gum or by golly, I'm gonna make sure you take your break!
HERMIE: But...
UNION ELF: No buts, mister! Now you go take your break this instant! I'm not gonna stand for any elves in my local thinking they're too good to settle for anything other than mediocre work!
(Union Elf leaves; Hermie goes to window, thinking about leaving.)
HERMIE: I don't belong here. I'm too much of a free spirit to be shackled by the chains of an oppressive union ideology.
(He climbs out of the window.)

SCENE: The woods outside Santa's property. Rudolph and Hermie are walking together when they're surprised by Yukon Cornelius.

HERMIE: ...so my plan to bust up the union is to make the North Pole a Right-to-Work workplace.
RUDOLPH: Wow! That's a great idea. I'm in!
HERMIE: Really? Thanks, Rudy. When we get to -
YUKON CORNELIUS: Whoa! Whoa!! WHOA!! Mush! Muuuuusssssshhhhhh!!
RUDOLPH: What in the -?!?
HERMIE: Look out for that sled!!
YUKON: Sorry boys. Didn't mean to frighten ya!
HERMIE: Who are you?
YUKON: Who am I? The name's Yukon Cornelius, the greatest prospector in the north! At least, I used to be.
RUDOLPH: Used to be?
YUKON: Sadly. Ever since the government took possession of most of these here acres, I've been forced to stop prospecting. They've put moratoriums on any new prospecting. And then there's the environmentalists. Everywhere I go, they chase me away. No more gold, no more silver.
HERMIE: You know, you should come with us. We're on our way to seek legal counsel.
RUDOLPH: Yeah, come along. We can travel together, sing songs and file some lawsuits.
YUKON: Hmmmm, I like it! Hop on my sled!

SCENE: Santa's castle. A raging blizzard howls outside. The elves inside are on break, and the tree stands partially decorated. Santa is unhappy.

SANTA: I thought global warming meant we wouldn't have such storms anymore.
UNION ELF: It's called climactic change now, Santa.
SANTA: You can call it unicorn farts for all I care - it's just a hoax. And why aren't the elves working?
UNION ELF: Breaktime.
SANTA: Again? For goodness sakes, I don't know what I was thinking when I signed that contract. Not that it matters now. This storm is so bad, there's no way I'm taking off.
(The main door opens, letting in a blast of cold air. Rudolph, Hermie and Yukon enter.)
RUDOLPH: We're back, everybody!
SANTA: Rudolph, where have you been?
RUDOLPH: Well, I met with the ACLU, Hermie spoke with a Right-to-Work coalition, and Yukon worked with his representatives on new legislation to change anti-prospecting laws.
YUKON: And we brought a guest too!
(At the end of a rope he's holding is the Bumble. All the elves panic.)
YUKON: No no no! He's not fierce.
BUMBLE: I've been misunderstood all these years. I'm a vegan, okay? And I only want a job.
YUKON: Lookie what he can do!
(He picks up a star and places it on top of the tree.)
RANDOM ELF: Where's my union steward? That's my job!
SANTA: Rudolph, you aren't going to sue me, are you? Just because of some bullies?
RUDOLPH: My lawyers will call you after Winterval. I'm willing, though, to settle out of court.
SANTA: I'd let you lead my sleigh, but PETA is all over my butt for animal abuse.
(All the characters look to the camera and wave)
ALL: Happy Winterval, everyone!!