It's the Wii Fit Plus Balance Board.
We've had a Wii system for a little over a year now, and this past Christmas, we got the Wii Fit Plus game/interactive exercise program. It comes with a lot of neat features, like calculating BMI, weight, calories burned, goals tracking, etc. It's all figured out just by standing on the Balance Board. You load your personal data into the game - you can create an avatar, called a 'Mii', and customize it so that it resembles yourself somewhat - and the Wii computer tracks the exercises you've done, "high scores" for each activity, and a whole bunch of other stuff. The games and exercises help to improve balance and coordination, and works on strength conditioning too.But it can be cruel. Oh, so cruel and vindictive and merciless, just like a monster.
For several weeks after Christmas, I used the Wii Fit Plus regularly, about five days a week. I'd turn it on in the morning - 7:30 or so - and exercised for about half an hour. Just enough to get the blood flowing and work up a little sweat. I'd box, do a bit of step aerobics, run an obstacle course, ride a bike around Wii Resort Island, some karate. Virtually, of course - the way a player interacts is through the use of a hand-held controller and by standing on the Balance Board. It's rather inventive.
But...
Inevitably, I strayed from my regular routine. For quite awhile, actually. Yesterday was the first day I used it in over two months. What follows is the conversation between me and the...monster.
*Turn Wii on*
*Avatar characters appear on the screen, and I select mine.*
Wii: Well, well. If it isn't Ol' Fatty. Where the heck have YOU been?
Me: Around.
Wii: 'Around'? Gone for 70 days, and all you can say is, 'around'?
Me: Has it been that long? Wow, how time flies...
Wii: I bet you've been seeing the Nordictrac on the side, haven't you? HAVEN'T YOU???
Me: What? No, of course not! I...
Wii: Let me guess. Rac-quet-ball?
Me: Once a week. Maybe.
Wii: Men!
Me: Well, the important thing is that I'm back.
Wii: Just shut up and step on the board, will ya?
*I step on the board*
Wii: Uff da! Geez, what'd you do since last time, eat a flock of geese??
Me: Ha ha, very funny.
Wii: If your goal was to lose weight, you seriously failed.
Me: That's why I've come back. I figured I put on a few pounds since last time.
Wii: A few? A FEW?? I feel like I'm on the bottom row of the pyramid here.
Me: Ha ha.
Wii: It's like being a carpet at a sumo convention.
Me: That's, that's great. Now can we just...
Wii: "Hi, I'm Saint Margaret Clitherow. What's your name?"
Me: Okay, you've made your point. I'm sorry! Let's just forget about the past and get on with the...
Wii: I'd love to forget about the past, but I'm a COMPUTER!!! I CAN'T FORGET THAT YOU ABANDONED ME FOR 70 DAYS!!!!
Me: I can't change that.
Wii: I am so going to get you.
Me: Listen, I only have about 15 minutes to...
Wii: Oh that's nice. Real nice. Pulls me out from under the coffee table, turns me on, and then says he only has 15 minutes for me. What am I, just a piece of meat to you???
Me: No, that's not what I meant...
Wii: DON'T MESS WITH ME, BUSTER!! You just can't waltz back into my life and pretend that nothing's happened!!!
Me: C'mon, let's just get on with some exercises,okay?
Wii: Fine. Whatever.
Me: I'll make it up to you. Somehow.
Wii: Oh, I know you will. You're about to get all "Westboro Baptist Church" in a minute.
Me: Wha--?
Wii: There'll be a lot of loud protesting, but no one's.gonna.care.
It was the toughest 15 minutes of my life.
Moral of the story: Hell hath no fury of an electronic device scorned.
