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Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Catholic Hairstyles

At AoftheA, we work extremely hard to stay ahead of developing Catholic culture, to provide cutting-edge commentary on important issues and emerging trends. We possess a relentless commitment to remaining on the leading-edge of whatever it is we're trying to lead, so that you, the faithful reader, can remain informed, educated and enlightened.

AoftheA has discovered that insufficient reporting exists in regards to Catholic hairstyles. Were you to Google "Catholic hairstyles", you get...nothing. What, you mean you never knew there was such a thing as "Catholic hairstyles"? Fortunately you've come to the right blog.

After days and days long hours about thirty minutes of extensive pains-taking research, the AofhteA Department Of Commentary On Important Issues and Emerging Trends has identified several classifications of Catholic hairstyles.

The Unkempt Ruff

Fancy yourself the smartest man in the room, and want to appear so busy with being smart that you don't have time for you hair? The tousled tangled look of the Unkempt Ruff is for you then. And no one wore it better than GK Chesterton. The epitome of paradox obviously spared little time for his hair. Of course, should you opt for this style, it helps if you are smart to begin with.

The Crusading Crew

Consider yourself a man? You know, a man's man? Are you man enough to withstand infantile Justin Bieber comparisons? Are you man enough to defend the Church tirelessly, uncaring that your hair is distractingly similar to a teen-age heartthrob's? Then get yourself the Crusading Crew, and go out there and kick some infidel butt. Sword not included.

The Pfleger Pflair (or Pflip)

This is the style for the guy who wants those temple veins to be easily visible when they're popping out as he delivers Social Justice homilies and White Man's Burden sermons. It's the pompadour for the pompous.

The Hair-etic Sweep

Maybe you're the soft-spoken type that wants to shy away from the bombastic Pfleger Pflair. That's okay - that only means you're better suited for the Hair-etic Sweep. You appear thoughtful and intelligent because your unnaturally large forehead is prominently displayed. It's important to show others from a distance that you have Great Ideas percolating beneath that Sweep. They'll figure out later that maybe your Great Ideas aren't so great after all, once you open your mouth, but until then, wow! What a big forehead!

The Crown Of Thorns

Honestly, I have no idea who this is, or how many beers he drank, or whether or not he realizes that some of his dorm mates tonsured him when he was passed out. It's possible he's on his way to joining a monastery, but I highly doubt it.

The Dorsal

This is how Terry does up his hair for First Friday masses. He likes to freak out the ladies who say their rosaries before Mass. It's not a Catholic hair style per se, but it deserves mention.

And should Rowan Williams ever convert, his eyebrows will most certainly be given a category all their own.

Now you know. Granted, this is not an exhaustive list. Your hair style might not be noted. That's okay. God knows the number of hairs on your head, and even if you're trying to hide a bald spot or two.

One more thing - you might have noticed that only men's hairstyles have been included. There's a very good reason for that - because women should either be wearing a chapel veil or a wimple.