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Friday, August 19, 2011

Priests Pray For Bible Thief To Get Diarrhea

You're probably thinking "What!?!" But here it is, straight from the Weird News desk...

Priests Call For Bible Thief To Be Struck Down With The Runs from The Telegraph
In a rather un-Godly call for vengeance, the Franciscan priests at the church in Florence are praying that a dose of "the runs" will convince the unidentified pilferer of the error of his ways.

"We pray that the Good Lord will visit a strong bout of the trots on this thief and that this will help to convince him not to commit any more thefts," reads a sign put up by clergy at the Basilica of San Salvatore al Monte, a hilltop church which commands views of the Renaissance city.

The notice said that in addition to praying for a sudden loosening of the bowels, the priests were also hoping that the thief will repent of his crime and return the stolen holy books.

This is too funny. I can only imagine the conversation at the basilica:

Priest #1: Brothers, we must pray that the thief repent of his sin.

Priest #2: We must also notify the police.

Priest #1: I have done so. And we must also pray that he return the Bibles.

Priest #3: And that God strikes him with the Hershey squirts!!

All: YEAH!!!!

I can see why it might be considered uncharitable to wish such a thing on a person, even if that person is a thief. We shouldn't seek vengeance, and leave it up to God - it's not as if He needs our suggestions, y' know? Can you imagine Moses, during the midst of announcing the ten plagues, suddenly ask God "Hey, you know what? I think instead of boils, you should give 'em diarrhea. That would be hilarious!" Actually, I can imagine it, but you know what I mean.

Perhaps it's a cultural thing, like a mild insult between feuding Italians. Like "Call my momma fat again, Antonio, and I hope your momma's meatballs give a-you the trots!" Sorta like when my I used to wish bad things on my older brother*, like that the fleas of a thousand camels infest his armpits, or a spider crawl up his nose while he sleeps and lay eggs in his sinus cavities, or a piano fall out of the sky and land on his head like in a Sylvester and Tweety cartoon. I never wished that he get diarrhea though, because that would mean he would stink up the bathroom really bad and use up all the toilet paper.

At least the Florence police have something to go on in finding the thief: any guy running towards a men's bathroom in that awkward clenched-butt-cheeks-quick-step-waddle is a prime suspect. Just arrest him after he goes, okay?

*I have long outgrown such puerile behavior towards my older brother. He probably hasn't, the immature jerk, but I have.